Before you read any further please understand that I needed this. not just my real life friends, but everyone who sees this. What follows is extremely long and very negative. I actually contemplated deleting this haflway through but
that would have proven what I'm complaining about here. I'm sorry. Those of you familiar with my journals know how dark and negative my entries can be. Let me warn you that this one is probably the worst one ever. This is pretty
much a compilation of everything that's wrong in my life. This has everything in it. Truly, I don't want to make anyone sad. If you've read some of my other journals then you know how you react. If you don't want to feel that way or
react that way then please read no further. Everything in my life has hit the fan at this very moment and I've pretty much given up trying to pick up the pieces.
I promised myself no more negative journal entries on my DA blog. I don't want my real friends getting hurt by this. I made a tumblr account to post stuff like this on...but I just don't think it'll cut it this time. I might post this on both. I
don't know. A part of me wants my real life friends to know what I'm going through, not because I blame them, but because I truly want answers this time. I don't want the textbook "God has a plan" or "I'll pray for you" or "I'm here for
you". As many times as I've heard all that, I've lost faith in those words. I've been praying for change and for help over and over for longer than I can remember but things only seem to be getting worse. I don't think it's right to contact
my friends just to vent. That solves nothing and only makes them feel just as miserable as I do. I don't want to do that to them because that's the only thing I can do for them. I can't do anything else for my friends with no money, no
control over my life (I need permission just to touch the front door, much less go out on my own). I can't drive so I can't go to my friends when they need help. All I can do is try not to get them involved. The only thing I can do for them
is to keep my problems away from them. ButI don't know what to do anymore.
My question: did God create some people only to die? As in, to be miserable, struggle, and then commit suicide? Lots of people in the world live and die without being remembered or doing anything. What was God's plan for them?
When someone truly feels like they do no good to anyone by being alive, what's God's plan for them? I guess I'm assuming that all of God's plans are for at least the good of somebody. I might be wrong.
A lot of people that die are good people. I'd even go as far as to say some are the "best" humanity had to offer. Yet they die without having done anything and aren't remembered while bad guys that do horrible things are remembered
centuries later. People we assume go to hell are those that are remembered, but people that do good deeds aren't remembered. What's God's plan in all of that? I know humans aren't allowed to know. I know that. But I just really
wish God would have let it be known to those that truly need a reason to keep existing. When you feel like more harm than good comes from your being alive, what can you do? Is suicide truly a bad thing at that point?
To be clear, I am in no way suicidal as I write this. I'm just really, really, really stressed out and my entire life has pretty much been torn apart. I don't want to die now, I just want answers. I just want a solid reason to stay alive. I want
to be needed. I want there to be something I can do that's good for someone else that only I can do.
Most people know that my mom passed away a couple of months ago. Things were going down hill in my life before then but I always held on because mom was there. She wasn't the only reason, but she made family life bearable.
Whenever I hated life or felt like no one respected me at home mom would always cheer me up by taking me out to a bookstore and buying me books. I know material things don't solve much, but the days where mom and I could go
out to the mall, grab coffee, and spend time together was the best. The books and stuff are good, but what I craved was going out with mom. She wouldn't listen to me, but she could make me forget about how unfair I thought the
world was for a few hours. She made me feel special because Bro and dad weren't invited. It was just me. Even now, going to buy books or going to have fun by myself feels hollow. Going out with my brother is fun, but it doesn't
make me forget my problems. The book I buy for myself feels empty. There's no meaning. When mom took me out, we didn't need a reason. It would just be a lazy day off of school and she'd say "I'm bored, you're bored, let's go out
and grab coffee!" even though the coffee we had at home tasted far better. It was just an activity we could do to lighten the boredom. At least going out to window shop was doing something. And mom always told me how she liked to
shop alone. I understand that because I can take my time when I shop alone. However, mom would always invite me. If I didn't go, she didn't go either. She went out because she didn't want me to be bored at home. It wasn't because
she had something to buy. That's one of the biggest things I miss because I go out for necessity. Essentially, if I don't think I need to buy anything and the person I'm going with isn't going for any reason either, I don't see the point.
She always did stuff like this whenever I was sad. I still remember her saving the last orange creamsicle for me one night after dad scolded and punished me for something mom said wasn't my fault. I was less than 6 years old and I
still remember that. And it was her that made the rule on dad that if he hit us he wasn't allowed to hit us in the face. Mom, who never liked children and even said so on her wedding day...and yet she was the nice one. She never
stopped dad from punishing us even though she would admit, sometimes, that dad was in the wrong afterwards. I know it sounds like an unhealthy relationship. But it was proof that mom loved us. 1) she didn't say anything because
she was scared, just like us. 2) she didn't step in because she didn't want to undermine parental authority. Essentially, she and dad had a policy to try not to disagree on things when it came to parenting. When the parents disagree
or fight (especially in front of the kids) it makes the kids feel like the family is broken. Neither of my parents wanted that. And it was because of that attitude that bro and I grew up in a sheltered home and to this day still say that our
parents loved each other. Mom never once said she wanted a divorce. She would say she hated aspects of dad's personality like his stubborn-ness or ego, but she never said she hated dad. She said she hated having a disease but
she never said she wanted to die...until last year when her health started declining. I was terrified when my mom told me she wanted to die. Everything I took for granted in life shattered that day. I've been terrified of my mom's death
since I was a child...but that day I truly began to feel that death was coming closer and closer for mom. I wish the last words I shared with mom could have been more important. Does she know how important she was to me?
I asked bro today what he thought the dead do while they wait for their loved ones or for Jesus to come again. The only answer he gave me was that theologists say they sleep until then. That's good for mom because she was
always sleep depraved. However, ever since I was a child I thought they were up there in heaven somewhere, watching us. I always imagined prayers were like mail to heaven and that if I prayed to God to pass on a few words to
someone deceased He could make it happen. I still hold on to that belief but I don't see God as a messenger. I just think that if he can do anything at all and he cares enough to hear our prayers he'd do that much. I don't want to
forget mom and I hope more than anything that we can truly see each other again in heaven. I want to see her again so much. However, mom has been in my dreams a lot lately. Pretty much every dream I have since her death has
her in it somewhere. I know that I "see" her in my dreams, but it doesn't feel right. That isn't truly mom, it's an image. The mom I want to see again is sentient and knows what happens in realtime. I want to see mom again so badly.
She made me forget about all of my negative feelings for a few hours. I don't think anyone else on the planet has ever been able to do that for me and I donaof doing that for me.
No one in my family has ever listened to me or taken me seriously. Not even mom. However, mom was the one that would at least take one day a month to make me feel special.
Last night I tried to talk to dad and he actively talked over me to try to engage my brother in a new conversation when my brother was talking to someone else. This isn't the first time he's done this, actively and blatantly ignoring me.
However, this is one of the few times that what I would have said to him actually mattered to me.
I don't know why I promised to stay home and take care of him. He works for money and he makes sure I have everything I need to live. But I'm not happy. Food, clothing, and Shelter are all a human has to have to live, right? I'm
alive, but hating every minute of it. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but what's life with no happiness? At least the dead can sleep.
This is where I'll generalize a little. Are all men egotistical, stubborn, disrespectful, misogynistic assholes? Sorry for the language, but it truely feels that way to me. Every single male I've ever had any sort of relationship with in my
life is like that. My father, my friend's brother, the guy I used to like, a friend I had a fight with--every single male I've ever had any affiliation with.
1) Dad never listens to me. For example, he doesn't follow my directions when I'm reading the map, we get lost, and then we find the pathway that I told us to go down in the first place. When I told him the first time he said "No, that
can't be right." or "Those that don't know how to read maps should shut up." Literally. For something as trivial as directions, if I tell him it's left, he goes right. If I tell him and then brother tells him it's left he listens only after brother
tells him. Every single time. There has never been a time in my life at all that dad has ever said I was right. He has always deferred to my brother.
2) Dad takes the phrase "my daughter" as a possessive. Literally, he acts like what's mine is his and I am a tool he can offer to others. When we eat dinner with somebody and that somebody is going to do the dishes dad
immediately says "Let my daughter do that." He doesn't tell me to do it or ask me to do it, he tells the other party to let me do it. He doesn't even show the respect of telling me. If he asked, that would be the best but he doesn't even
do that. Basically, he's always offering my services (and my brothers) like we're simply tools to lend to whoever needs them. I kid you not, my brother has called him out on it before. He offers our services without telling us. And today
he did something that pushed me over the edge
Bro and I have a system whenever we buy treats. We agree on who gets what share when we buy it and we never take more than our share without asking and getting approval first. Here there's a pear-jelly drink that bro and I really
like. So we always buy some, store it in the fridge, and drink ours whenever we want to. If our share runs out we buy more instead of asking or taking the other person's. I let dad have a sip of it a while ago and he liked it too. So the
last time bro and I went on a drinks run we bought 6 bottles and decided to split it 3 ways. Dad wasn't with us but we decided to reserve 2 for dad and 2 each for us. We lugged it up a hill for 20 min to get back home. When dad got
back we explained to him only 2 each and no more than that. He agreed. I haven't touched my bottles yet so I should have had 2 left in the fridge. Today there was only one and my brother knows not to take mine without asking. I am
sure dad took mine. It's not the drink I'm mad about, it's the fact that he didn't ask at all. I asked him about it today, I said "Dad, did you take one of the pear drinks from the fridge?" He instantly yells "What's gone is gone! Get over
it!" And I ask again "I just want to know if you took it." and he screams "I DON'T KNOW!" So I get mad and leave. Remember what I said about him thinking what's mine is his? Yeah, I think this counts. Essentially, nothing is "mine"
here and he doesn't even have the common courtesy to ask or let me know he's taking what I believed was mine.
Can you expect someone to hear and comprehend in their sleep? I don't think so otherwise everyone would be asleep during lecture time in university. Well, dad expects me to have that ability. I'm not kidding. The night before we all
agreed the next day would be a sleep-in day because we had nothing planned. So, bro and I sleep like logs. I'm awake bright and early (stupid biorhythms) and I try to go back to sleep. Dad barges into my room without knocking and
calls "Get up." No response. He immediately yells at me and calls me a useless child for not getting up. Or he'll tell me the plan while I am asleep. I hear none of it and when I ask him what's going on later he yells at me for not
listening. How the fuck am I supposed to hear anything when I am asleep? What the fuck?! He doesn't hear a fucking thing when he is asleep and he expects me to wait on him hand and foot and be at his beck and call whether I am
asleep or awake?! I can't wait to be dead, honestly. I don't want to be a servant to anybody, much less a man, anymore for as long as I live. Since it seems like God's "great" plan is for me to be a doormat all my life, I truly can't wait
for the day I can die. Life has been painful enough and no one respects me enough to listen to me--that's why I have this stupid web account in the first place. At least I can write it all down since no one listens or truly cares.
Seriously, I'm beginning to think God was the very first misogynist. He created a world with a double standard. And I truly think his "plan" for me is to make me an unwilling servant to these disrespectful men. Why? Why was God's
plan for me to not have any respect?
I want to run away. I want to get out of here. I've said as much to my real life friends. All of them have told me to run away from home. How? I'd just die out there because I have no marketable skills. I have no work experience, no
connections, and not a dime to my name. Why did God make suicide impermissible? Why?
Ever since mom died one thing from my sociology degree keeps coming back to bite me in the ass. The term "anomie". From dictionary.com : a state or condition of individuals or society characterized by a breakdown or absence of
social norms and values, as in the case of uprooted people.
I truly feel like everything I thought was a given in life has been proven wrong. I thought there was a bare minimum for respect that everyone gets just for being human. I mean, I try to treat people to at least the bare minimum. I listen
to them, I try not to judge them and try to accept them as good people. I try to defer to others like giving them the last candy or letting them walk in front of me etc. I thought that was the bare minimum we should be doing as humans
yet my own family has proven time and time again that there is no such thing as a bare minimum. That humans don't deserve any of that. What am I supposed to believe now?
I thought I had friends. I thought I had good friends. Yet I'm proven wrong again. The second I came back from university and got to the hospital my idea of having friends was instantly pulled away from me. All of my brother's friends
were at the hospital long before my brother or I even left our towns. His friends that lived 13 hours away drove all night just to come see him. I'm not kidding. Every single one of them dropped everything to be at my brother's side. I
had no one. The Parish nurse at our church started talking to me, using the textbook phrases etc. I didn't even know who he was until 3 weeks later. That night he was just a stranger to me. I thought he was a grief counselor here to
do his job and nothing more.
I'm not blaming my friends. I'm not saying they are bad friends. I just truly realized how alone I really was that night. My friends did their part. They sent me emails and told me to contact them if I needed anything. How can I? How
can I call one of them up just to complain or just to cry? It only makes them feel just as miserable as me. I don't want that. Talking to them wouldn't bring mom back. It wouldn't change the fact that my family doesn't respect me. I try
my hardest to cook something edible for my father but right in front of me he tells his friends that "she's a useless child that can't do anything right". Literally. What am I supposed to do? I can't cook properly. I didn't know how to use
the laundry machine on the first try. I don't know how to speak fluent Chinese. I don't know how to navigate a transit system I've never used on my own. I'm too shy to ask people for help. I've got horrible reflexes and even worse
balance. I don't have an ideal girl's body. I can't get straight A's and no matter how hard I study I can't seem to focus or do well on my tests. What does he want me to do? I try and I try, but nothing ever turns out right. Nothing I do is
ever good enough. I'm tired as hell right now and I just want to sleep because during the day I try to do everything I can for my family. Mom isn't here anymore. Someone has to do the little things. At least I can do that without
anything blowing up. At night, when I am supposed to be sleeping I try to give myself just one hour where I can be a kid again. I catch up on the latest manga chapters and try to watch some of the shows I missed. I try to send
emails to my friends and organize outings to the mall like I used to. I feel like everyone expects me to become an adult overnight, Now that mom's gone everyone expects me to know the passwords to all our bank accounts. They
expect me to reach chinese. They expect me to cook 5 star quality meals. They expect me to know what's in the freezer at the house I haven't lived in for 4 months. They expect me to identify all 50 of the unmarked portions of meat
in the freezer. They all expect me to be mom.
I always dreamed of having a loving husband and always thought about how I would raise a child. How the hell can I expect to do that? I can't do anything mom did right and I fail at being a kid too. 90% of all my plans fall to pieces.
A friend of mine and I were emailing each other over the last month. He and I have very different views on everything under the sun. We debate but we always respected each other. I got possed off at his phrasing and we blew up at
each other. It ended. I doubt we're friends anymore because I told him to never speak to me again. I can't even keep the few friends I thought I had on good terms. I can't do anything right. All of my other friends ignore me. Literally.
A guy I was talking with a lot, the brother of someone I thought of as my best friend, we could always hold a decent conversation. Not anymore. He has ignored every message I've sent him since my mother died. At first I thought he
was trying to give me space to grieve but by now I think he's just sick of me because dad's right, I am useless. I think he finally got smart and realized he gained nothing from having a "friend" like me.
Why did God create me? This wretched, useless, despicable life. Why did he create me? I'm not deluded enough to think I'm special and an exception. There's over 7 billion people on this planet, I am sure I am not the only person
on earth who has ever described themselves as wretched and useless. My question is why did God create our kind because from what I've seen of the world, people like me end up dead, usually by their own hand.
I'm sorry for the disorganized rant. And I am very sorry to all of the people who read this. I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I'm actually rethinking whether or not to post this. It's so personal and negative. However, deleting it will
make all of my thoughts and feelings null. The point was to let my feelings be heard since no one I know in real life cares enough to let me do that and I don't have the guts to ask anyone to do that for me. If I don't post this then it
proves my point of not being listened to. I'm sorry.